well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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