I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
