upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How's work?
Spinning.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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