so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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