Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
