seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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