so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Text me some of your sweat
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
