It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
