Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
