my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
