Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
