guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
