Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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