I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
