Where is the hickey?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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