I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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