Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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