Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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