someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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