Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
