I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
