if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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