All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
