you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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