why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
