I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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