I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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