Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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