I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
