I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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