apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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