My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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