i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
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Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
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My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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