Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
