I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
