it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
