OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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