i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
