Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
