Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
