I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
