We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
