someone threw a dead crab at me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
