Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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