so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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