remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
