I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
