we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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