if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
