i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
