I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
