be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
