So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I enjoy the company of your penis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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