her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
