I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
