he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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