went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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