This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did I show you my penis last night?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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