next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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